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We've All Been There...

June 1st 2008 06:17
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Read this doc on Scribd: Why I fired by secretary today



I'm sure we have. Right?

What else was the guy supposed to expect? I mean he could have been suspicious about the whole birthday thing except they had a fairly satisfying lunch and went back to *her* apartment. Why not his house?


Damn women, why are they so confusing!?
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Times Have Changed

May 21st 2008 13:16
Scenario : Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario : Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, S W A T team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario : Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for A DD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario : Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. A CLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - B A T F, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated; Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario : Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Old People Packing Attitude

May 21st 2008 12:51

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for
the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's
nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your
kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is
95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she
would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other
day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It
was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna
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Q - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A - So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

[ Click here to read more ]
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Japanese Kids Write Penny-Arcade

February 28th 2008 12:34
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It's like some jerk saw Serenity and decided the Reaver scenes were so good you could blow them up into an entire movie, and what do you have? Well a movie starring Will Smith that is about only 1/8th as good as Serenity. Of course that isn't necessarily a bad thing as Serenity is an awesome movie. Unfortunately 'I am Legend' could have been more instead of what it is.

So it's the future and a miracle cure for cancer has mutated people into rabid creatures that can be best described as a Zombie/Vampire combination with a healthy dose of 'bullshit' thrown in. I'm sorry but they are about as bland and generic a sci-fi based super natural villian as you are ever likely going to get. Right from their inception to their back story to their cure of said disease which has an instantaneous effect to the disease which also is fast acting


[ Click here to read more ]
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Anything Else Your Wife Doesn't Use?

January 3rd 2008 19:13
bitchy wife
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me


[ Click here to read more ]
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Husbands letter to his wife

January 3rd 2008 19:03
Old Couple Tennis


A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table


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Dog For Sale: Or free to good home.

January 3rd 2008 18:57
Answers to the name of 'Dolly.'
Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat


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Psychiatric Hospital Admission Test

January 3rd 2008 18:53
mental crazy people hospital
During a visit to the psychiatric hospital, a visitor asked the Director how they determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub


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The Priests Virgin Birth

January 3rd 2008 18:40
Priest Virgin Birth
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks


[ Click here to read more ]
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Peacock Sex

January 2nd 2008 15:59
Peakcock sex


I took my dad to the mall one day to do some shopping,after a while of walking around we sat down at the mall to get a bit to eat, my dad then began staring at a kid accross from us who had hair spiked straight up colored red green yellow and purple, i noticed the kid getting mad at my dad just staring at him an finally the kid said "whats wrong old man have you never done anything wild in your life'' well i swallowed my food very quickly knowing my dad would have a good response and he did. my dad said to the kid well boy i got drunk one night had sex with a peacock and thought you might just be my son.
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Texas Salesman

January 2nd 2008 15:47
Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience


[ Click here to read more ]
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A Sex Proposal

January 2nd 2008 15:42
Gold Coins For Sex
A Sex Proposal

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office


[ Click here to read more ]
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